the jock rap. » Biggest Loser

TJR’s Biggest Loser: Elizabeth Lambert

Matthews — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:42:25 +0000

WE'RE SORRY WE CAN ONLY PICK 1

An easy one today. This highlight almost rendered us speechless. Welcome Elizabeth Lambert. You’re officially TJR’s All-Time Biggest Loser. We could just as easily add everyone who allowed this to happen. Her coach. Her teammates. The referees. Amazingly, only one card was issued all game.

TJR’s Biggest Loser: The Philadelphia Inquirer

Matthews — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:53:56 +0000

WE'RE SORRY WE CAN ONLY PICK 1

We’ve never claimed to be the smartest group of people on the planet, but even we noticed something wrong with an ad The Philadelphia Inquirer ran in this morning’s (Monday) issue.

As you can plainly see, the Macy’s ad reads “Congratulations Phillies! Back-to-Back Champs!”.

There’s only 1 small problem with that. The Phillies haven’t won the World Series yet. And down 3 games-to-1, they can’t win it unless they take the Yankees to Game 7 this Thursday.

Headlines set to run this week include:

“Merry Christmas!”
“Tiger Woods wins 2010 Masters!”
“Universal Healthcare Bill Passes in Both Houses of Congress”

Dewey defeats Truman, anyone?

TJR’s Biggest Loser: Antoine Walker

Matthews — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:18:09 +0000

WE'RE SORRY WE CAN ONLY PICK 1

"SHHH. DON'T TELL ANYONE I'M BROKE"

$110 million. That’s what Antoine Walker earned in his 12 year NBA career. And yet, it seems that wasn’t enough.

Just one year removed from his last season in the league, Walker’s money is gone. And worse, he’s been arrested on felony charges of writing bad checks to Las Vegas casinos totaling more than $1 million. On top of that, Walker owes JP Morgan and Wachovia each $1.5 million.

It’s just astounding. How long have we been reading about professional athletes and celebrities blowing through cash and ending up broke? It’s like the holiday classic “The Christmas Carol”. The story never changes. The only thing that changes is the actor playing the lead role.

Congratulations Mr. Walker. You’re this year’s leading man…and TJR’s Biggest Loser.

TJR’s Biggest Loser: Tennesse Titans

Matthews — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:22:39 +0000

WE'RE SORRY WE CAN ONLY PICK 1

PATS 59, TITANS 0

This one goes out to the entire Tennessee Titans team after an appallingly pitiful showing against the Patriots on Sunday. In the type of snowy conditions that normally lead to low scoring, run oriented slopfests, the Titans somehow managed to give up 45 first half points before finishing with the largest NFL loss in more than 30 years. So just how ugly was it? Here’s a look at some of the numbers.

The Titans defense became the 1st team ever to allow 5 TD passes in 1 quarter
They yielded 619 yards of offense while allowing Patriots QBs to complete 84.4% of their passes
The Titans offense had more fumbles lost (3) than passes completed (2)
Those 2 completed passes totaled -7 yards and included a -22 yard pass to Nate Washington
Vince Young finished with more interceptions (1) than completions (0)

All this, and the Patriots didn’t score a single point in the 4th quarter. Call it whatever you want.

Embarrassing. Pathetic. Despicable.

None of them will really do it justice.

TJR’s Biggest Loser: Fox Sports

Matthews — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:14:42 +0000

WE'RE SORRY WE CAN ONLY PICK 1

And the Biggest Loser Award goes to…Fox Sports’ production department for creating marketing this absolutely despicable cartoon parody for their NFL pre-game show, which depicts Dallas Cowboys players Marion Barber and Jason Witten, along with Head Coach Wade Phillips, taking cracks at Jessica Simpson for her weight gain.

But The Dallas Morning News writes that Fox and Burger King are apologizing for it, like that makes any difference. Burger King got wrapped into the whole thing when Fox slapped them on the cartoon as the presenting sponsor. Apparently, no one from BK knew about it beforehand.

I’m almost speechless. I don’t understand what the point of it was, and apparently I’m not the only one. Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic discussed it on their show this morning.

The whole thing was just completely tasteless, and we here at TJR hope some heads roll for it.